You Want to Meet Me, Don't Make Me Work for It

Posted3 months agoActive3 months ago

behnamoh

32 points

23 comments

gist.github.comTechstory

heatedmixed

Debate

60/100

Software DevelopmentProfessionalismCommunication

Key topics

Software Development

Professionalism

Communication

The author shares their perspective on what makes a good meeting request, sparking a discussion on professionalism and communication in the tech industry.

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Based on 23 loaded comments

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01Story posted
Sep 30, 2025 at 7:08 PM EDT
3 months ago
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Sep 30, 2025 at 8:29 PM EDT
1h after posting
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16 comments in 0-6h
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Oct 3, 2025 at 3:44 PM EDT
3 months ago
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Discussion (23 comments)

Showing 23 comments

malfist

3 months ago

3 replies

This is a really distasteful way to frame things. I get that it's annoying, but miscommunications don't need a "don't you know who I am?" screed posted on github.

grammarxcore

3 months ago

1 reply

This is fairly common in academia. Instead of having to explain something every single time something common happens, you just throw it on a web page and link that. Reference letters, office hours, and LaTeX formatting are all super common here. I understand why you might respond this way; I view it just as a different kind of https://nohello.net

lokar

3 months ago

Also, in industry, code review feedback

sudahtigabulan

3 months ago

1 reply

"Miscommunication" is a very charitable interpretation.

For certain people, this behavior is a pattern. You give them an inch, they take a mile.

horuscrux

3 months ago

Oh no; 8 billion people don't act like you.

Your life sounds so hard.

chrismatheson

3 months ago

I think the point is, that they DO know who they are. They are being specifically approached for some sort of expertise, and being asked to spare their time for the benefit of the person proposing the meeting.

If you ask someone to do you a favour (even if its just to listen to your pitch) then I would say its common decency to not put that person out more than you absolutely have to.

surfmike

3 months ago

3 replies

calendly / cal.com solves this problem, just give them a link.

NathanaelRea

3 months ago

I was going to suggest the same. Seems like there's an impedance mismatch between open to meeting but not being immediately upfront with availability. For example, saying "I'm only available 2-3pm PST on Tuesdays and Fridays, send me a teams/zoom invite." feels much "nicer" than haggling the details. Especially since this must happen a lot for the author to make a gist.

balksi

3 months ago

+1 calendly solved these issues for me

treetalker

3 months ago

For those who use (er, subscribe to) Fantastical on macOS, it now has a similar feature built in.

sandy_coyote

3 months ago

2 replies

This is funny if you read it in Batman's voice.

And finally, if you can't reach me on Zoom, you flash a beacon in the sky. With a bat on it. This is yet another way of disrespecting my time.

Ok, jokes aside, this post resonated with me, more personally than professionally (because no one wants to meet with me, professionally). Every other week or so, my elderly dad asks me if I want to go to lunch. Inevitably, if I say yes, he says "great. Why don't you pick a place?" For years, this seemed to me like he was expressing deference for my tastes, but now it just seems like he's lazy and wants to me to do the work of picking a new place.

cinntaile

3 months ago

1 reply

It seems to annoy you so instead of going down the same path each time... Why don't you just tell him "Sure, but you have to pick the place this time" or agree on choosing a place every other lunch?

trenchpilgrim

3 months ago

my dad has this same thing and if you ask him to pick a place he just dodges the question.

metadat

3 months ago

Humbly suggest cutting your Dad a break. He won't be there forever, nobody's perfect, and it's family.

Live for today, have a laugh!

anal_reactor

3 months ago

1 reply

When I read such bitching I always wonder in what position the author is. If they work with lots and lots of different people, then having to deal with people's bullshit is a part of the job. You won't change the masses, you need to change the procedure to accommodate the masses. If the author has a few coworkers that repeatedly disrespect them, that's because the author bitches on the internet and then continues to be a doormat IRL.

tstrimple

3 months ago

They are an LLM researcher. Other folk, that they don't work with, are soliciting them for advice or feedback on their own AI research or ideas. It's something that the author would be open to helping with because they have a passion in the space. The message is that it's unfair to ask a stranger who you want a favor from to jump through the hoops to make the meeting happen smoothly which seems to be a very reasonable position.

GianFabien

3 months ago

1 reply

I use a simple approach:

So you want my expertise in relation to your idea! No problem, these are my consulting rates ___, can you come to my office at ___ on the ____ ?

It is how professionals operate, e.g. doctors, dentists, lawyers, accountants, architects (building and construction), etc.

yumraj

3 months ago

Not sure where you are, but in the Bay Area people are generally open to meet and talk. Over the years numerous people have given their time to me, and I have paid forward.

Consulting rates/relationships only come into picture if there’s an ongoing engagement.

Lawyers, even partners at top firms, usually are open to meet for free for a 30 min meeting.

edomyrots

3 months ago

2 replies

This kind of ettiquete should be taught in school. - How to write an email - How to ask someone to meet you in person/online - How to ask a question

tstrimple

3 months ago

I feel lucky that I was growing in my craft when StackOverflow was still a good place to ask questions. A few poorly asked questions and you see how much back and forth is needed to tease details out or often you just don't get adequate answers. Provide plenty of context. Explain what you've tried and explicitly what isn't working about it. Reference specific error messages or numbers. It got to the point where I was researching in order to form a good question which often led to finding my own answer.

The place I'm at now is one of the worst I've ever experienced for being asked questions. No one has time or energy to write out a thoughtful question with context. It's always "let's hop on a call and discuss." No. I don't want to hop on a call with you while you fumble to even articulate the problem. Write things down first so you actually understand the problem and a specific ask for me. Multiple times on a current project one of my colleagues was trying to troubleshoot an Azure service. I'd give him something to try or look into and his response was always a simple "didn't work". Didn't matter how many times I prompted him to be more specific. "What didn't work? Are you seeing error messages? Did anything change?" It's like pulling teeth and is a source of a lot of frustration.

efilife

3 months ago

This should be taught by parents

gxonatano

3 months ago

I saw that this was on GitHub and I totally thought this was going to lead to a repo of some sort which solves this problem. But no. It was just complaining.

flowerthoughts

3 months ago

This is a post about not being lazy when inviting to a meeting, because it's disrespectful. It then goes on to quote a comedian saying

> Them: tells you to say/do something

> Louis: Fuck you, I don’t have to do anything!

It sounds like OP is not strong enough to improve the terms of engagement (e.g. just send them a Calendly/Calendar link to help them book,) and has intrusive thoughts about being disrespectful back instead.

OP needs to find her/his way of saying "yes, on my terms" without feeling like it's a chore. That might be with a Calendly link, or setting a weekly quota on extra-professional meetings, or simply saying "no" if the subject isn't meeting some bar.

Explaining that your inner desire is to ask people to fuck off because they're interested in you, but are themselves busy, isn't exactly flooding with respect. If this happens often, then just say a simple "sorry, no" to most and free up your time to politely say "yes, let me help you" to the remaining few. That's what the rest of us do. You can't help everyone, and if you're becoming an asshole for it, you're not going to be helping anyone.

The Stoic philosophy separates what you can change from what you can't change, and asks you to focus on the latter. Changing other people who just met you is going to be annoyingly hard, as OP has discovered. Out of the eight billion people on Earth, there's always someone new to say no to. Instead, focus on changes you can make to yourself to simplify the interaction. For some, that might be hiring a secretary. Or just use Calendly.

However, I could also read this piece as bragging about how popular OP is, which would be inviting even more people to want a meeting. I think the result of such a post will be more ruthless people sending invitations, and fewer of the respectful people sending invitations. The opposite of what OP wants. YMMV. Hopefully.

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