Tabloid: the Clickbait Headline Programming Language

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now the program doesnt terminate

Maybe I should use macros like this for productive work to make sure programming stays engaging and entertaining!

  EXPERTS CLAIM SECRET_CODE TO BE 129

  DISCOVER HOW TO MESS WITH NUMBER
  RUMOR HAS IT
    EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE NUMBER MODULO 2
    WHAT IF RESULT IS ACTUALLY 0
      SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT NUMBER DIVIDED BY 2
    LIES!
      SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT (NUMBER TIMES 3) PLUS 1
  END OF STORY
  
  EXPERTS CLAIM ITERATION TO BE 0
  DISCOVER HOW TO DEEP_RESEARCH WITH NUMBER
  RUMOR HAS IT
    EXPERTS CLAIM ITERATION TO BE ITERATION PLUS 1
    EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE MESS OF NUMBER
    WHAT IF RESULT IS ACTUALLY 1 RUMOR HAS IT
      SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT ITERATION
    END OF STORY
    LIES!
      SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT DEEP_RESEARCH OF RESULT
  END OF STORY 

  EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE DEEP_RESEARCH OF SECRET_CODE

  YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS (((("shocking fact about innocious number discovered: " PLUS SECRET_CODE) PLUS " takes a whopping ") PLUS RESULT) PLUS " steps to reach 1")

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  YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU'LL SEE IN LINE ${line_number}

The original options are more clear imo, even though they show their age.

IN BOOST TO x — increment x by 1

IN BLOW TO x — decrement by 1

Throw in ‘BAN THIS SICK FILTH’ as a way to throw an exception.

Of course, the absence of SLAMS and SNUBBED are notable. They should fit in somewhere.