Jingle Bells (batman Smells): an Incomplete Festive Folk-Rhyme Taxonomy
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Delving into the delightfully absurd world of twisted children's rhymes, a taxonomy of "Jingle Bells (Batman Smells)" variations has sparked a joyful discussion. Commenters are sharing their own favorite mutated versions, like "While Shepherds watched their kidney beans / All boiling in a pot," and marveling at the creativity and regional differences on display. Some have pointed out that a Tom Scott video on the same topic predates this article, with some commenters wondering why the author didn't reference it, while others are simply enjoying the nostalgic trip. As the conversation unfolds, it's clear that these warped nursery rhymes are a universal language, with kidney beans being a surprisingly common theme on both sides of the Atlantic.
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Dec 21, 2025 at 6:38 AM EST
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[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5u9JSnAAU4 - Tom Scott, 'I Asked 64,182 People About “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells”. Here's What I Found Out.'
All boiling in a pot
A load of soot came tumbling down
and spoiled the blinking lot
Alternative. The Angel of the Lord came down and eat the blinking lot.
Definitely British. Evidenced by the term 'kidney bean'
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer *(reindeer)*
Had a very shiny nose *(like a light bulb)*
And if you ever saw it *(saw it)*
You would even say it glows *(like a light bulb)*
All of the other reindeer *(reindeer)*
Used to laugh and call him names *(like Pinochio)*
They never let poor Rudolph *(Rudolph)*
Play in any reindeer games *(like Monopoly)*
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say *(Ho Ho Ho)*
Rudolph with your nose so bright Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Then all the reindeer loved him *(loved him)*
And they shouted out with glee *(yippee)*
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer *(reindeer)*
You'll go down in history!" *(Like George Washington!")*
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Tay_Bridge_Disaster
Hopefully I'll get to see it sometime.
Don't ask, it's not original with me.
Ah yes, famous racial utopias, all of them.
The history of gypsies and their segregation is much older though and the regimes inherited much of their attitude based on prior prejudices. The treatment differed in different times and locations. I've heard accounts of casual police brutality and of good integration in the local community and of a "leave everything as it is without engaging with hard problems". None of those was sanctioned on the bases of race theory and in fact the official stance was for equality. Compare it to the US where it was part of local and state legislation. On the other hand, the higher ups in the regimes were often repainted nationalists and common criminals of old so adherence to the ideals was often perfunctory and positive actions and outcomes were falling short of what was possible.
Soviet union was defacto an apartheid when you consider how non-white ethnics were treated in practice. They just were so good at suppressing everything that it was never "an issue".
If you believe that for even a moment you need to read a book.
The fact that you put the tatars as the only thing to know about communism shows that you've learned one thing and found it sufficient. At the same time, the link you share shows how later communist leaders acknowledged Stalin's actions as a crime... I'm not here to defend communism though (mainly because it is not defendable), just to provide a perspective beyond the standard tropes.
Whats interesting is how equal it was for everyone, one comment I got when asking people who lived through the soviet era was that.
“there’s no advantage given to any religion” (hence, new years being the traditional family get together time). and “we were all comrades, men and women”. A lot of what they hear from the US about gender equality falls on deaf ears because thats what they had and they were told was bad.
A weird perspective, but certainly an interesting one.
It’s always difficult to hear things that doesn’t fit our narrative.
You might get lower infant mortality, better access to healtcare ans aeducation (as long as the party considers you worthy) but you will almost immediately get crooks and incompetents in leadership positions, whose only qualities are the set of morals to get to a position of power no matter the cost.
And those leadership positions are appointed by or even part of The Party - and the party is never wrong. There is no free press to critisize them and if you do speak up, then you are logically an spy from The West, undermining the perfect communist utopia & need to be punished.
Only if someone is really epically incompetent they might get purged by the inner circles, but it is even more likely they will purge someone actually doing things right who still has some morals left.
You could be the most ideological communist trzing to build the bright future & will still end up sidelined or worse by the corrupt pigs holding to all the power in the communist state.
When the Soviets crashed the Prague Spring in the 1968 there were some interbrigadists that went to fight agains Francos fascists in Spain during the interwar period with international communist brigades. Only now they were watching soviet soldiers shoot people in the streets and crush them with their tanks...
literally, "what has communism done for us?!"
In a thread where everyone agrees that communism was a bad thing, you come up with this one fact that proves ?
RIGGING UP THE LIGHTS!!
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards.
The damn lightS!!!
Facing my in laws!
One light goes out, they all go out!!!!!!!
FiiiiiIIIIIIiiiive months of bills!!
She's a witch, I hate her.
You're so smart, YOU rig up the lights!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMxgttJpbZE
R.I.P. Rob Reiner
Reminds me of the “Misheard Joe Cocker Lyrics” video: https://vimeo.com/448217206
Robin flew away
Mr silly bit his willy on the M1 motorway.
I seem to remember hearing the standard US one in the bit at the end of The Cosby Show, which was on free to air TV soon after getting home from school.
Robin laid an egg. Batmobile lost its wheel and the commissioner broke his leg...I think.
"9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa's dead"
"Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head"
"Barbie doll, Barbie doll, tried to save his life"
"But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed her with a knife"
(aka "The Munchkin's Theme" ) (to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our Slaying Song
And watch these suckers DIE!
https://hack.org/~mc/writings/hackerdom/ring-their-bells.tex...
Not what I was looking for, but I found these: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJtJNNXaEYrrZP99qBx-k...
From this guy's page: https://www.paperspencils.com/category/my-projects/dd-christ...
https://www.reddit.com/r/FoundPaper/comments/1p7bvtz/found_n...
"Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away, Wonder Woman lost her boobs - flying TAA."
Context note : TAA or Trans Australia Airlines was a major Australian domestic airline of the time, later merged into Qantas.
https://youtu.be/DpV9f4Tv8kA?feature=shared
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells why won’t they shut up
Being chased by werewolves, ain’t this just my luck
Dashing through the gloom
In a one-horse open cart
Trying to escape the doom
Where Werewolves eat my heart
You had to read the tome
And utter the mad curse
Now if we get home
I’m sure it’s in a hearse
Ohhhh…
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells why won’t they shut up
Being chased by werewolves, ain’t this just my luck
However, we both agreed that when comparing the UK(ish) and US(ish) variants, the UK ones are much more fun and colourful: The US ones seem a little, erm, boring!